| This is just on of the many times in my life that I have felt so lost. I plane to work on this everyday, and when it is done i'm going to give it to my brother who once again has given in to his weakness of Alcohol.
I don't even know how to describe the feeling that I have. I'm so hurt and confused,12-31-05 was exactly two years and six days from the day he had his very last drink. It would be the last night of staying clean and sobber. I remember feeling noumb as I heard what he ordered. I sat there with a fixaded look on my brother, as he sucked it down like warter, I couldn't help but to be put back as a child sitting there watching my father do the same. Wondering how many he would have tonight, hoping he'd let momma drive. Praying he passed out before he could start another fight. I snaped back just in time to watch him wipe the foam from his mouth as he finished it off. Nobody wanted to ask yet everybody was supprised. Everyone sitting at the table knew the tentaion that would arise from the thought of bringing up his past. How could we sit back and let him drink his life away once again? Was he stupid enough to think he would be okay? How could he be so careless? He worked so hard and achived so much, how could he throw it all away? I pondered all of this while sitting at the table with a blank look on my face I was there hearing the conversations, but not listening. I had so many thoughts running through my head. I asked myself if I was over reacting it was after all one beer. The only beer I had seen touch his lips in over two years. I once again thought about my dad, I then knew that one beer was not okay. Because when you have had the sickness that my borther once had and what my dad lives with everyday, once you fight it, once it's gone one drink becomes the defeat of all you fighting all your will power. It takes it all from you. When you take that drink you've lost the fight. It takes back control of your life. Slow at first but then you lose it all. Your life, your job, self value, respect. You have nothing when you let that sickness back in. I knew right away I wouldn't, I couldn't let that happen. I saw how hard it was and everything he had to go through to pull his life back together. I know how much it hurt because my whole family felt that pain for him, but in the end he was stronger then his sickness, he just needed to be reminded of that. I didn't like the person he once was and I knew very soon he would become the person that I once had to try so hard not to hate. Sitting there at that table with my two brothers, their wives,and my mom I felt so alone and lost in old bad memories that I could feel once again becoming my real life nightmare. The restrant was crowed and very loud, yet all I could here was the screams from my past. I was so lost in thought i had no idea it was my turn to order. I also hadn't noticed the second beer that had been brought out for him. I tried to pull myself together and try to get through dinner without being so lost in thought. I knew if I didn't stop soon I wouldn't beable to hold back the emotions I was feeling in side. To late I thought as I felt the first hot tear roll down my cheek.
We made it through dinner with him only having three beers, but who knew what would come later. Everyone was supposed to go back over to his house after dinner, but mom was still sick so she went on home. I went with clay and Allison. No one came right and said but no one really wanted to go. Clay kept saying over and over that we wouldn't stay long because they were already so tired. I didn't know why I had gone with them, I knew I didn't want to be anywhere near him. How could he start drinking again? How could he do it on this night of all nights. I was suddnely lost again in my own thoughts, everything around me faded away. I remember it like it was yesterday, the very event that started it all. I was sitting at my best friends house, sitting there on the couch without a care in my mind. The phone rang and thought nothing of it when Mrs.Wilson answered the phone and looked at me befor leaving the room. She came back awhile later with mal at toe. They sat down next to me and took my hands in her's and asked if i would like to stay with them all day and maybe go to the movies. I was so excited because I hardly ever got to spend the night with someone and stay longer then ten. I asked if I could call and ask my mom if it was okay and she said she had already spoke to my sister-in-law Christi. That was the first time I thought something was wrong, but I was still just happy go lucky so i didn't think twice untill later that night when I still hadn't talked to my mom, and my dad later came to pick me up. My dad never comes to pick up from anywhere, I had no idea what was going on but I knew it was something. I quickly found that I didn't like it either, when we got home my mom wasn't there. I am neve alone with my dad. He gets to tense and mad so easily and about everything. He just loses his temper and swings and yells and spits at everything in his path. My mom and brothers always made sure I was never in his path. As soon as I saw that my mom wasn't home I ran upstaris to find clay but no one was up staris. I went back downstaris and asked my dad where everyone was but as soon as I did I saw the anger in his eyes and he told me to go to my room. I asked again where is momma and clay? He shot back in my face."Is that all you can think about? Your damn momma and clay?" I couldn't hear what else he was saying, he had started to to blast his words under his breath, like he always does right befor he blows up. I asked one more time, even though I knew I shouldn't. He got up from where he was sitting and got in my face, and with his teeth clutched he told me again to go to my room. I went this time but with utter confusion. I sat on my bed crying and just trying to think where everyone could be. I was in my room for about an hour when I decided to sneek out of my room and get the phone to call my mom. I held my breath as I opened the door trying so hard not to let it squik.I had one hand turnig the knob and the other puting just a little preasure on the door so it wouldn't |
